Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Watch Your Back (Or I'll Blow It Up)

I know this will come as a shock to most of you, but yes, I love movies. I also love my DVDs. Because I legitimately buy all of my movies. Why? Because I fucking do. It's legal and better. And usually better quality. By now, you may be wondering, "What the fuck is her problem?" My problem is that I am sick and fucking tired of my DVDs leaving my house and never fucking coming back.

I lent out The Cave and Kiss the Girls to a good friend of mine over two years ago. I trusted that he would return them in due time. What a fucking idiot. I waited. I waited a long time. Finally, I reminded him. "Hey, when are you gonna return those movies?" His answer eventually morphed from "Oh yeah, remind me next time I'm at my house." to "No, I gave those back." When I saw them in his fucking house, he responds, "No, I think my dad has these movies." NO! HE FUCKING DOESN'T! THEY ARE MINE!

So why are they not back in my possession? Because in the real world, I am a pushover. I have since replaced my copy of Kiss the Girls, but as yet have not found another $6 copy of The Cave.

Then, Misery went missing. MISERY. As in Stephen King, James Caan, Kathy FUCKING Bates! Yes, that Misery. That one, I believe, is also in the possession of said friend. I do love him. He is, in almost all respects, a fantastic friend. But insofar as DVDs? Not so much.

Then it was 28 Weeks Later. If it had been 28 Days Later I would be more upset. 28 Weeks Later is everywhere for pretty fuckin' low prices. Yeah, I'm pissed that a certain someone promised for six weeks straight that he would bring it to work to return it, but as he's a huge douchebag and I have no intention of ever seeing him again, I would rather pay another $6 for a new DVD.

But this time, the gloves are fucking OFF! This time it's HOSTAGE. MOTHERFUCKING HOSTAGE! Hostage is one of my favourite goddamn movies, and I know for a motherfucking fact that I would never lend that shit out. That's like me handing over JAWS and saying, "Hey, keep it as long as you want! I can get another one!" FUCKING NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Hostage is my motherfucking movie. I fucking love that shit. I once watched it eight times in two fucking days! This is un-fucking-acceptable! I have searched my entire goddamn house for this goddamn movie and I will not rest until it is back on my fucking shelf!

Beware, movie thieves! I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!

Yes, I am pissed. This won't count as this week's update.

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