Tuesday, December 1, 2009

5 Reasons Why "Rise, Blood Hunter" is AWESOME (And 5 Why It Sucks)

This is just going to be a long list of everything awesome about the movie Rise, Blood Hunter. If you haven't seen this, you should. It is, in my opinion, the best movie in Lucy Liu's career.

This is why:
1. Lucy Liu makes out with another chick.
Yes, this sounds like any lame movie aimed at men, but seriously, Lucy Liu is

Now imagine them making out.

1.5. Lucy Liu gets NAKED.

This, but naked.

Need I say more? (Your answer to that should be no, but I will.)

2. She uses a fucking CROSSBOW!
(1 & 1.5 are both tit-related, so this one can be #2.) What is more badass than a chick who murders people with a motherfucking crossbow? One who does it riding a T-REX!

Jurassic Park 9: TITS. Coming to a theatre near you.

3. She's an assassin.
Really, in the list of things that make hot girls hotter, being able to kick your ass totally ranks high up. She starts out as a reporter, but like all movies with assassins, takes up the career for vengeance.

4. She's undead.
This movie has everything! Vampire-like creatures (no fangs), a smokin' hot protagonist, assassin(s?), nudity, weird and creepy sex, hookers. What more could you want? Other than a less sleazy, douchey antagonist, I guess. Oh, and less necrophilia. Yeah, there's that.

5. Watching Lucy Liu eye-fuck hitchhikers.
And then actually fuck them. Sure, it's like any other, non-hardcore-porn movie: no penetration (with dicks, anyway), but it sure is worth watching.


And this is why you should not watch this movie:

1. The dialogue.
Normally, I can ignore occasionally shitty dialogue if the movie is absolutely wicked. This is not one of those "normal" situations. The dialogue in this film is, for the most part, not entirely horrid. However, there is one shining turd in the script that I can never ignore, no matter how hard I try. In the scene where we see Lucy's murder for the first time, Eve (Carla Gugino) whispers the gem "Sex and murder are the only real pleasures left to man." Not three scenes later, I SHIT YOU NOT, Bishop (the other murderer and the scumbag antagonist) DIRECTLY QUOTES HER, and ACKNOWLEDGES THAT HE IS DIRECTLY QUOTING HER.

Bishop: A friend once told me that "sex and murder are the only real pleasures left to man".

Pictured: Sleazy motherfucker

Which brings me to...
I seriously hate this guy. I want to punch his goddamn face in. He is a slimy douche and needs to be forcefully reinserted into whatever vagina spat him out. Though he'd probably love that. He's hideous, he thinks he's sexy when he's a fugly cunt, he has an annoyingly condescending accent, and acts like the sun shines out his raunchy asshole. I could go on, but I'm SO PISSED OFF!

3. Nick Lachey is in it.
I wish to god I was joking. I wish to fucking Christ.

THAT SLIMY CUNT. And yes, that really does say Marilyn Manson.
I'm sorry.

The only upside to that tragedy is that his part is small and largely unnecessary. He's easily forgotten and (as usual) makes a complete ass of himself. The pathetic attempts at slapstick comedy are more painful than the actual assassinations would be.

THIS is better than Nick Lachey.

4. Tricia.
Tricia is another victim of Bishop's supposed "sexual prowess". She's also the wet dream of any (straight) guy who's ever shopped at Hot Topic.

"Her angsty exterior causes my cold, dead heart to pump
tears of blood to the crotch of my unbelievably tight jeans."

And of course, she is the crux of the emotional diarrhoea splattered along the bathroom walls of this film. That wouldn't be so bad if the emotional aspect wasn't already completely covered by Ms. Liu. Fucking Tricia.

5. I got nothin'.
I've got another 30 reasons to watch this wicked film, but I can only think of 4 reasons to avoid it like guys who shop at Hot Topic. And I just finished watching it again.
In conclusion, GO RENT IT NOW! IT'S AWESOME!

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