Monday, November 30, 2009

The True Horror of Rosemary's Baby

If you’ve never seen Rosemary’s Baby before, you’ve probably also never watched Gilmore Girls or anything else worth watching. For those of you who have seen this horror gem of the 1960s, this list will run down the 5 (unintentionally) creepiest aspects of the film.

Also, this article will be loaded with spoilers, because this movie came out in motherfucking 1968, so if you haven’t seen it, I’m going to assume you never will. Which is blasphemy. Go out and rent it, goddamn it!

1. The Neighbours

Nothing is more terrifying than social interaction, but in the 60s it was all the more nerve-wracking. There was a 50% chance of seeing unkempt bush (you know, free love?), and a 50% chance of ending up with drugs in your system (the drugs weren’t so free). (There was also a 50% chance of unbelievably racist comments – hippies can’t do math worth shit.)

Rosemary’s Baby involves social interaction, in the 60s, and with their neighbours. Seriously, neighbours? They’re the assholes of every story. I don’t care how nice Ned Flanders seems; if he were real, he’d be a motherfucking pedophile. Maybe I’m just biased against neighbours due to the dicks who live next to/across from us, but in movies, the neighbours are either a) incredibly benign when the protagonist needs help the most; b) incredibly violent; c) complete assholes; or d) overbearing replacements for the parents you moved out to get the fuck away from.

The neighbours in Rosemary’s Baby are a delightful combination of A, C, and D. And a little of B if you want to get really technical. They knock her the fuck out with the date rape drug (in a fucking dessert), they “rehabillitate” a former druggie who then throws herself out the window and partially crushes a VW Bug, they give her the necklace from around the neck of said druggie, and that’s not even the half of it (I won’t ruin EVERYTHING in case someone actually decides to bother watching this fantastic terror).

As if all of this isn’t enough, they basically run her entire life, with the consent of her asshole hubby, “Guy” (NEVER, NEVER trust a man named Guy! HE WILL RAPE YOU AND KILL YOU! Not necessarily in that order). They’re like the stereotypical Jewish mother in every show with Jewish characters: they fuck your shit up and then insist on wiping your sorry ass. With a fucking razor blade.

In the animal kingdom, these neighbours would be tapeworms, sucking the life out of you from deep in your bowels.

This, but inside your intestines, sucking the nutrients
from your body while you writhe in pain.

2. The Sex

If you’ve had sex, you will recognize how unbelievably, painfully awkward every single sex scene in this movie is. No one’s denying that (despite needing a whole all-you-can-eat buffet), Minnie Driver’s got a bangin’ bod. But watching her in a 1960s sex scene is like watching Lance Bass in a 2009 sex scene: these days, no one wants to see that shit.

I’m sure that when Rosemary’s Baby came out, people were shocked to see Minnie’s minis (seriously, she’s like half an A-cup), but I’m sure most of the shock stemmed from the boner-shrinking “sex” scenes.

The first sex scene, about 15 minutes in, is a “celebration” of Rosemary and Guy getting a fancy, new place. It reads more like two 17-year-old virgins “getting it on” to some really shitty music (I am watching Rosemary’s Baby right now and that music is creepy as fuck). This is how the scene plays out: Rosemary and Guy are sitting on the floor of their new apartment (furniture yet to come) eating dinner, when Rosemary turns to Guy and says, “Let’s make love.”, sans any seduction. She may as well have said, “Let’s watch TV.” With no verbal assent, Guy starts stripping (again, not seductively – as if that were possible for him) while still sitting cross-legged on the floor. Rosemary stays in the exact same position, 5 feet away, and starts tearing off (read: carefully removing) her own clothes. Then they bone. And Rosemary looks completely unimpressed. Not an unusual look for a woman mid-coitus, though her face paired with that stunning foreplay? Fucking TERRIFYING.

The second (and only other) sex scene takes place about 40-45 minutes in, right after their neighbours (told you they’re more fucked up than a Japanese bukkake-hooker!) hand delivered some delicious chocolate mousse, a la GHB. Granted, it takes place in a dream, but considering you find out when she wakes up that her husband raped her while she was passed out, “dream” might be a misleading term. The really disturbing part of this sex scene isn’t even the fact that while he’s raping her she’s seeing Satan. No, it’s the fact that when she wakes up and notices all the scratches all over her body (from his fingernails?), he seems almost fucking proud of his “accomplishment”. Any frat douchebag with a beer and a drug connection can date rape a drunk slut. Well, Rosemary isn’t a slut, but her husband did give her wine and cocktails. She weighs about 40 pounds, so really, any amount of alcohol is enough to get her good and hammered.

On the whole, sex with Satan and boning a hardwood floor are not considered “sexy” options. Unless it’s witch on vampire porn (now THAT’S sexy!).

3. The Husband

I probably could have lumped The Sex in with The Husband, but this guy takes the creeper cake.

Oh my god, consider myself creeped!
Seriously, has Cake Wrecks seen this?!

Let’s list the terrifying ways this husband freaks the shit out of me:

1. His face: This guy (Guy, ha!) looks like Humphrey Bogart would if he were a pedophile from the 50s, complete with awful turtlenecks and misogynistic attitude.

2. His name: I’ve said this once already, but I have to reiterate: DO NOT TRUST A MAN NAMED GUY. They are all pedophiles, sadists, or creepy WoW addicts that never shower and weigh 600 pounds. (To any real guys named Guy that I may or may not know: no, you're not creepy. And yes, I know you're not addicted to WoW. This is just an internet article. For fun! [insert emoticon])

3. He’s Satan: I probably should have led with that, eh? Now, people who’ve seen this movie will probably shout “FAKE!” (or whatever it is people shout on the internet when artices make mistakes), so I should probably explain. Her husband isn’t really Satan, but he did let Satan bone Rosemary to impregnate her with (Oh my god!) Rosemary’s Baby. So it’s basically the same.

4. He’s okay with rape!: So he didn’t actually rape his own wife, but he was totally cool with letting his neighbours drug the fuck out of her and then open her legs to the Devil. Most guys only go the date-rape route to get their own dicks wet.

5. Every single thing about the guy (I’m sorry, it's his name!) that I haven’t already listed: He is the real antagonist in this movie. Fuck Sapirstein, fuck the Cassavetes, and fuck “The Coven”. Guy’s the motherfucker (ha!) that sold his wife’s uterus to the Dark Lord.

Not that one.

4. The Last Unicorn

Wait, what the fuck? What does this:


Have to do with this:

Other than nakedness.
(Fuck, does Driver drop trou in every movie she's in?
'Cause that's kind of awesome...)

Well, for those of you out there who’ve seen The Last Unicorn, I am praying for your immortal souls. That movie was the basis for all of my nightmares, ages 5 through 14 (there may have been a Wizard of Oz stint in there around age 7). Maybe I’m a masochist since I now own it on DVD, but that movie still scares the fuck out of me. And yet I watch it.

Back to the point. How are Rosemary’s Baby and The Last Unicorn related? Minnie Driver. Now that bitch has a creepy-ass voice. And yet she still managed to make boring-ass music. Nothing haunts me more during these films than the voice of Ms. Driver coming through the speakers (okay, that’s a lie – that uber-boobed, pink tree in The Last Unicorn still manages to give me nightmares if I watch that shit alone).

As with any horror movie, the truly horrific aspects of the film are never the scenes intended to make you shit your pants.

This is what my nightmares look like.


  1. This was hilarious. And frightening. And agreed: The Last Unicorn is a nightmare maker (talking skeletons with raspy voices? Flaming bulls? Ocean full of unicorns? AHHHHH!)

  2. lol Thank you very much, Katie! I promise not to bring up The Last Unicorn anymore, lest I induce more nightmares.