Couch It

What's Your Sign?

2010-03-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

Many people have criticized Zodiac, one of my favourite movies, for being "slow", or lacking action, or being "boring". To those people, I say go watch a Bruce Willis movie (preferably Hostage 'cause it ROCKS). Zodiac, based on the book by Robert Graysmith detailing his involvement in the investigation of the Zodiac Killer, is a perfectly paced cinematic masterpiece. It hits just the right note with its methodical detective work and creeping suspense. And humour is still a perfect component in the pairing of Jake Gyllenhaal and Robert Downey Jr. Everything about this movie is spot on. The music, the directing, the cinematography, the ACTING. Every piece of the puzzle is meticulously placed and it all fits together perfectly. Clearly, I am a huge fan.

Now, I could gush for hours about how wonderfully executed this film was, but that's only half the story. What I really want to address are the complaints that the movie generated by some people.

THE PACING:
I've heard quite a few complaints that Zodiac was too slow and didn't hold the audience's interest. There are many great movies wherein the pacing is purposefully slow. In 2001: A Space Odyssey, the film's pace is supposed to metaphorically match the speed of real space travel. It takes a very long time to travel from Earth to Mars, and the movie's pace reflected that. That's only one of a million reasons why 2001 garnered so many favourable reviews. In Zodiac, the pacing is supremely important because the movie tells the story of a police investigation spanning several decades. To jump from one action sequence to the next would destroy the atmosphere of the film and turn a chilling story into a laughable attempt at horror.

THE (lack of) ACTION:
Another common beef with Zodiac is its lack of explosive, non-stop action, but truth be told, the movie is not meant to be an action flick. Now, personally, I found the murder scenes more disturbing than in any other film. There's no telltale music indicating that a death is near. The lighting isn't dark and threatening. The victims are not running in terror from a towering monster. The victims are regular people doing regular things. The one that really makes me shudder is the murder of the couple on a picnic. It all just seems so realistic, and it should, since it really happened. The lighting is bright and cheery and the landscape is gorgeous. They're just enjoying their afternoon when a man approaches them and stabs them to death, and not in the cheesy, horror movie way with blood spatters and over-exaggerated violence. No, the murders are supremely real and supremely terrifying. Again, the acting is so spectacular that it sucks you into the film and you feel as if you're really living the investigation alongside its characters.

THE AMBIGUOUS ENDING:
I cannot be professional when addressing this one. THEY NEVER CAUGHT THE GODDAMN KILLER! They can't just say, "Yeah, this is the guy. DEFINITELY.", end scene. To this day, the identity of the killer is still unknown. The movie does offer Robert Graysmith's opinion on it, and honestly, that should be enough. You can't really expect a movie (based on a book) based on fact to just disregard everything that the movie's been working toward for the entirety of the film simply to satisfy the small percentage of the audience that dislikes ambiguity. It's a ridiculous expectation and, had it been implemented, it would have ruined what is actually a pretty fantastic film.

Okay, well, I really did just gush over the movie for the last three paragraphs, but in my defence, I did address what I intended to refute. I'm not saying anyone who dislikes the movie is an idiot (this time), but I do believe that if you complained about the movie for one of the reasons I've mentioned, you're pretty fucking stupid. You knew what you were getting into. Or you should have.

CONCLUSION:
GO WATCH ZODIAC.

Paranormal Inactivity

2010-03-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

Paranormal Activity could have condensed all of its "content" and been a perfectly good 45-minute movie. Instead it drags on for 86 minutes. 99 if you watch the extended edition, apparently, though I didn't notice any difference at all until the very end. Or perhaps the extended edition and the edition with the alternate ending are different versions. In any case, they both sucked and both endings were unsatisfactory.

I love a good ghost story. I love a good documentary-esque movie. Not Cloverfield, but Diary of the Dead, hell yeah! Or Brutal Massacre. That was so hilarious, but I suppose that would technically be categorized as a mockumentary. Anyway, my point is that Paranormal Activity is boring because of the complete lack of action. I would say that only 8% of the movie actually includes any kind of action. But when you call it a "horror/thriller" that is supposedly all about a very violent haunting, you expect there to be some violence. And haunting. No. Paranormal Activity saves it all for the last 6 minutes. That is not how you make a good movie. That's how you make a pile of crap.

I was very disappointed. I knew it wasn't going to be fantastic, but I at least hoped to be creeped out or scared. I'm a huge chicken. How in the world did they not creep me out? But sucking a cock the whole time, really.

My recommendation is to just save your money and rent Diary of the Dead instead. At least that's funny and has some wicked action sequences. And zombie slayings.

New Blog

2010-02-27T23:08:00.001-08:00

It has come to my attention that the douchebag population in this city has sky-rocketed lately, so I decided to document my (and my friends') run-ins with local douchebags. In order to do this, I've started a new blog called What A Douchebag which will be updated every time I encounter another douchebag.

This will not count as this week's post. I plan to upload a new post tomorrow, most likely in the evening. (I actually do have a life on occasion.)

Enjoy your weekends and have fun (not) caring about the Olympics! As I will be doing.

Watch Your Back (Or I'll Blow It Up)

2010-02-23T23:05:00.000-08:00

I know this will come as a shock to most of you, but yes, I love movies. I also love my DVDs. Because I legitimately buy all of my movies. Why? Because I fucking do. It's legal and better. And usually better quality. By now, you may be wondering, "What the fuck is her problem?" My problem is that I am sick and fucking tired of my DVDs leaving my house and never fucking coming back.

I lent out The Cave and Kiss the Girls to a good friend of mine over two years ago. I trusted that he would return them in due time. What a fucking idiot. I waited. I waited a long time. Finally, I reminded him. "Hey, when are you gonna return those movies?" His answer eventually morphed from "Oh yeah, remind me next time I'm at my house." to "No, I gave those back." When I saw them in his fucking house, he responds, "No, I think my dad has these movies." NO! HE FUCKING DOESN'T! THEY ARE MINE!

So why are they not back in my possession? Because in the real world, I am a pushover. I have since replaced my copy of Kiss the Girls, but as yet have not found another $6 copy of The Cave.

Then, Misery went missing. MISERY. As in Stephen King, James Caan, Kathy FUCKING Bates! Yes, that Misery. That one, I believe, is also in the possession of said friend. I do love him. He is, in almost all respects, a fantastic friend. But insofar as DVDs? Not so much.

Then it was 28 Weeks Later. If it had been 28 Days Later I would be more upset. 28 Weeks Later is everywhere for pretty fuckin' low prices. Yeah, I'm pissed that a certain someone promised for six weeks straight that he would bring it to work to return it, but as he's a huge douchebag and I have no intention of ever seeing him again, I would rather pay another $6 for a new DVD.

But this time, the gloves are fucking OFF! This time it's HOSTAGE. MOTHERFUCKING HOSTAGE! Hostage is one of my favourite goddamn movies, and I know for a motherfucking fact that I would never lend that shit out. That's like me handing over JAWS and saying, "Hey, keep it as long as you want! I can get another one!" FUCKING NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Hostage is my motherfucking movie. I fucking love that shit. I once watched it eight times in two fucking days! This is un-fucking-acceptable! I have searched my entire goddamn house for this goddamn movie and I will not rest until it is back on my fucking shelf!

Beware, movie thieves! I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!

Yes, I am pissed. This won't count as this week's update.

When A Problem Comes Along

2010-02-18T14:27:00.000-08:00

You must Whip It! I can't help thinking that every time I talk about Whip It! Pat can only think of "whip-its", but his mind is full of drug references.

Pat's brain.

Whip It! is the latest Ellen Page indie film, meaning everyone who loved Juno is also inclined to love this roller derby marathon. I loved it. I've loved every Ellen Page movie thus far. Well, with the exception of The Stone Angel. I rented it forever ago, but I never got around to watching it. It was a love story. No blood, no gore, no Michael Cera. It did have Ellen Burstyn, but I just wasn't in the mood for mush.

As far as Whip It! goes, it's one of those movies that is awesome every time you watch it, but is slightly ruined for you during every re-viewing because you know what happens with Oliver (portrayed by Landon Pigg -- such a fitting last name for that role). This is one of those movies that I recommend you watching without me ruining the plot, so I'll leave any further comments about Oliver out of this review.

Wrong Oliver. Though this one has better beats.

Now, Whip It! is not simply Ellen Page's new movie. It is also the directorial debut of Drew Barrymore, a.k.a. "Smashley Simpson" (her derby name), and she does a bang-up job (pun totally intended). I don't know how or why she made the decision to jump to directing (in Kevin Smith style -- she directs and acts in the film), I'm just damn glad she did. The cast was brilliant, and there isn't a single performance that I feel needs ragging on. Actually, I absolutely fell in love with Pash, Bliss' (Ellen Page's) best friend, played by Alia Shawkat. If she looks familiar, maybe you saw her in Veronica Mars. I know I did! (LOVE that show! Or, loved, I guess?) She was also in Arrested Development, though, so perhaps you've seen her in that. Whether or not you recognized her, you must have noticed that she is SEXY. Very beautiful.

See?

You know who else you may recognize (aside from the obvious)? A lot of people in this movie. For example, Ari Graynor, a.k.a. Eva Destruction, played Caroline in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist and Lacey in Youth in Revolt, and was fantastic in Whip It!. Eve, best known as a "musician" who "featured" Gwen Stefani in her song "Blow Ya Mind" (and possibly other things), played Rosa Sparks in the movie. Kristen Wiig from Saturday Night Live played the head of the Hurl Scouts, Maggie Mayhem. For the record, the Hurl Scouts are the team that Ellen Page joins up with. Jimmy Fallon is in it, getting rejected by lots of women (as usual). Andrew Wilson, older brother to Luke and Owen, plays the Hurl Scouts' coach, Razor. And, best for last here, Marcia Gay Harden (best 'cause of that fucking hilarious name!), known for her roles in everything, plays Brooke Cavendar, Bliss' insanely religious mother who insists on forcing her daughters into beauty pageants so they can relive her youth for her. Needless to say, the cast is killer.

Also killer were the costumes. They are awesome. Seriously, I want Ellen Page's clothes. And Alia's. And Drew Barrymore's. Man, there are some crazy-wicked clothes in that movie. It's basically a throwback to everything awesome about the 80s, blended with everything awesome about hipsters today.

I suppose the only bad thing I have to say about Whip It! is that sometimes, it tries a little too hard to be indie. I know that's the cool new thing for comedies, and I can appreciate that (I love indie/emo music, too), but when you have to try to be indie, it automatically does the exact opposite. Like your uncool parents trying to dress like your friends and learn your slang.

Hey kids! What are you hep cats up to tonight?
Going down to the discotheque to get your freak on?

Have you ever noticed that the letters "G", "H", and "B" are very close together on the keyboard? Just thinking out loud here.

That is a LOT of work for three letters.

If the story of Whip It! has passed you by, here's a quick synopsis: Bliss Cavendar hates beauty pageants. Her mom loves them. Bliss wants to roller derby. Bliss' mom doesn't want her to. Bliss does it anyway. Hilarity (and drama) ensues.

It doesn't sound like a remarkably different plot, I know, but it does have something no other plot in recent years has: roller derby. You'd be surprised how interesting it is to watch chicks in fishnets and short-shorts beat the shit out of each other. On the Worth It scale, Whip It! is an ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

If you haven't seen it, SEE IT. If you have, WHY AREN'T YOU WATCHING IT NOW?

Actually, right now I'm watching Coraline. I fucking love this movie! It's terrifyingly creepy for a kids' movie, and it has John Hodgman. Teri Hatcher is an interesting choice, but it's all good. Perhaps I shall review it next. See you next week! Probably.

---

Wow, I am horrible at keeping to self-imposed deadlines. Mostly because I have no time until the weekend (that's when Pat's busy), so I'm thinking it's time to rethink my choice of update day. I'm going to go with Sundays. I will update with a new review every Sunday. Let's see if this deadline sticks, eh?

Surrogates: The Internet IRL

2010-02-11T21:47:00.000-08:00

I'd like to preface this post with an apology: I'm sorry this entry is late. It's hilarious that it is, since it's the first one since my self-imposed deadline. Not to get too specific, but I've been laid up in bed these past two days with a very unhappy stomach. I promise that next week's post will not be late. I think I'll be reviewing Whip It! Now on to the blog.

After adjusting to looking at Bruce Willis with hair, something occurred to me: I was thirsty. So I paused the movie and made the long trip down the hall to the fridge on a perilous quest for caffeine. It was on the trek back that something movie-related occurred to me: Surrogates. Surrogates is MySpace, but REAL.

"Life, but emo-er."

-Ish. Anyone can just design a face and say, "This is the new me", while spending their biotic life attached to a creepy sex-chair (it looks like a sex-chair. Or what I imagine a sex-chair would look like). That actually happens in the movie. Some old, fat guy is discovered in his apartment, dead, after his "unit" (DIRTY) is destroyed. His "unit" (still dirty) was a 20-something blonde bombshell (I sound 50), who was decidedly female. Imagine how easy it would be to become a tranny, eh?

"Hey, baby. How you doin'?"

And yet, the fact remains: a surrogate is still just a glorified avatar, and though technically you're not in any real physical danger if your surrogate ends up boning a major creeper, it is major weird. For example, a 15-year-old could be using a surrogate that looks 25. They meet someone sexy who looks to be around 25 as well, but behind that sexy, 1/4-century-old face lurks a 60-year-old pedo. Chris Hansen's electronic head would explode.

"I like to make love." -- Chris Hansen

Of course, if both "surries" (I can't believe I just typed that. I need to go vomit.) look 25, what are the legal repercussions for the people controlling them, if one is 15 and one is 60? Man, you would think there would be regulations of some sort, controlling who uses what "unit". Also, for the record, I did not make up the term "surries"; it's one of the nicknames for surrogates used in the film. It's my least favourite term for them. To me, Surrey is in England. Anyway, I'll stick to calling them surrogates, or "units" (gonna stick to quotation marks, though).

I won't lie. I love Bruce Willis movies. Hostage, Mercury Rising, Pulp Fiction (he's in it, at least), UNBREAKABLE (HELL YEAH!), Sixth Sense, Lucky Number Slevin, Tears of the Sun, and on, and on, and on. I did not love Surrogates. I didn't really give a crap about it. It was okay, at best. For everything it could have been, it really fell short. I expected there to be more to it. That's not to say that the story wasn't interesting (though not interesting enough, apparently), it just left way too many holes. PLOT holes.

There were a lot of questions brought up by the subject matter that were never dealt with. Also, how fucking easy would identity theft be in that universe? Anyway, what bothered me was when Bruce Willis' a.k.a. Tom Greer's partner was killed and her surrogate stolen. It's made clear earlier on in the film that advanced surrogate models (because there are cheap ones and fancy ones; like hookers) are tailored to the user's genetic signature (like hookers) ... (Wait--). So how the hell does the guy who steals her surrogate use it?

"Heh, heh, heh. Suckers."

Man, imagine how annoying surrogates would be if they glitched all the time. Lag would be uber-annoying, particularly during sex or some shit.

This, but she's on top of you.

But the real issue here, and with the whole concept of surrogates, is the psychological impact. I mean, talk about midlife crises now. With surrogates, how would you ever know who you really are? You'd never know if your husband/wife really loved you or your sex-bot. You'd also never feel anything real again. So what if your "unit" has the most advanced "touch/feel" systems? It's not real. Basically, it's the next step in human evolution, if people can't get their heads out of their computers and get their asses off social networking websites.

Or their heads out of their asses and
their computers off social networking sites.

I know I haven't mentioned the plot much, but in truth, it's not a bad plot. It's a poorly executed one at times, but not bad. I still recommend seeing the film, particularly if you love Bruce Willis. I just also recommend not going into it thinking it'll be the best movie ever. Then again, my mom loved it. And hated Whip It! The world makes no sense.

Pandemonium

2010-02-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

What? That's how you spell it. I know the movie's called Pandorum, but every time I read or say it, I think of "pandemonium" (foreshadowing?). Which might have to do with the name, but I'm thinking it's more like Pandora. What is with the film industry and Pandora lately? You know, maybe it's not pandemonium or Pandora. Maybe it's pandas. Space pandas.

Space Pandas. It's going to happen.

We all know sending animals into space usually results in either important research results, or horrible, horrible movies.

NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

Actually, not so much with the important research. In any case, what does all this have to do with Pandorum? Well, space. And pandas. Not really, though. Just the space.

It's actually kind of ironic. I picked up Pandorum when I read that it took place on a ship (I had just watched Ghost Ship and wanted more nautical horror), however, I didn't realize that the DVD cover meant space-ship, not ship-ship. Admittedly, I was disappointed. But I didn't write it off just yet. C'mon, it had Ben Foster in it. And Dennis Quaid, but whatever. The irony? I actually ended up kind of liking it.

The film begins with Ben Foster being birthed from a cryo-tube (or something) after waking up to a seemingly deserted ship. Now, for anyone who hasn't seen the cover of the film, this is it:

I feel like he should be holding an apple.
Or a baseball. Pretty much anything round.

Look at those tubes. Those are INTENSE! Apparently, space IVs are made large enough to accommodate solid food. I think I'd only fear what happens next if "what's next" was getting those things removed. Holy shit.

After Ben Foster tears the PVC pipe out of his flesh, the saddest part of the movie occurs: he puts his clothes on. Up until then, he was walking around in very little. But I suppose it makes sense. Must be cold in space. Once his clothes are on, he attacks his monster beard (which has grown a lot, but his hair is still incredibly short. What's with that?) with the coolest razor ever. A laser razor. I want one of those things. It's friggin' magic! Anyway, then the scariest part happens: Dennis Quaid wakes up and is also scantily clad. However, before Dennis wakes up, while Ben Foster is trying to make sense of his sudden wakefulness and his memory loss (he finds a handy sign telling him that cryo-sleep, or hyper-sleep, or whatever, results in temporary memory loss), he looks himself over and finds a number tattooed along his left forearm. According to the film, that number is his crew number, rank, and social insurance number (the last part may not be true). Also according to the film, that was not tattooed there by Nazis. You win this time, Pandorum, but I'm on to you.

What really made me laugh was the one German chick who attacks Ben Foster every time she sees him. She's German and attacking the guy with the arm tattoo full of numbers. I wonder if that was at all intentional? You know, I think for once I will not ruin the ending of this film. Or the whole plot. I'll just point out things that made me laugh. Or question the sanity of the filmmakers.

The original movie poster. Failed the public appeal tests.

This film was actually more like an amalgamation of Lost in Space, Ghost Ship, and The Cave (I'm still missing my copy and that chafes my ass). They're lost (and on a space ship), the ship is seemingly deserted, and eventually, they encounter very interesting and dangerous creatures. And of course, there is a twist at the end. Not in the style of Shyamalan. More like the twist ending that all horror/thrillers have. "Oh my god! The killer was really his father's brother's wife! That's why she stole the necklace! She was supposed to have it, according to the will, but everyone thought she was dead! Oh my god!"

Also in true horror fashion, the main character, Ben Foster, is always falling down. "Hey, some stairs. Shit!", "Wow, that's a really cool gun! Whoops!", "That looks like a solid foothold. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu--!" You get the idea. I understand that his balance is probably a bit off considering he's been sleeping in a tube of goo for a really long time and his muscles have probably weakened somewhat, but really? Does he really need to fall every 5 minutes?

I'll just pop downstairs and flip on the react-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

But never mind about Ben Foster's lack of equilibrium (not a bad movie, actually). The reason for this monster space trek is that Earth is dying and humanity needs to establish colonies on a new planet before they're all kaput. They decided to send out a space ship full of army guys, botanists, biologists, and every other profession you can think of that isn't lawyer or hair stylist. (Also no carnies.) When Ben Foster wakes up, he realizes that the ship has no power. The navigation systems are down, the engines are down, and the ship is experiencing random power surges. Ben, with Quaid's help, makes his way out of the locked crews' quarters (all the doors are down since there's no power. I don't remember DOORKNOBS needing power.) and makes his way to the reactor. He's the tech expert on the ship. Which means he's the only one qualified to flip a big switch.

Don't worry. I'm a tech expert.

On his way, he collects a random group of "survivors" and they all stick together on the path to the reactor. This is my favourite part of the film. They're finally at the reactor and when the camera pans to it, it looks like it's got three giant-sized (as in 3 feet tall) AA batteries stuck right into the side. Comedic gold, right there.

As I've promised not to ruin the end of the movie, I won't go on anymore about the plot. I will say that that is one gory movie. Not on the same level as Fargo, or what I assume SAW would be, but it has its moments. Of gore.

The verdict for this movie is that it's surprisingly not awful, though it does get a bit repetitive. And ew to Dennis Quaid with no pants on.

Next up: Surrogates.

I Break Rules (Ask Me How)

2010-02-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

This is just a quick update. I've decided to make this a weekly blog that will update every Friday. This week's post will be put up tonight (the Pandorum review). Having a specific schedule for updating will make reading and writing this blog much easier. Hope you like the new schedule! If not, well, that sucks for you, eh?

Lately, I've been missing from the cyber-world more than usual. That's because of a lovely combination of events. Event 1: Pat got Mass Effect 2 last week and we're on our second play-through now. Mass Effect 2 is so awesome I'll even be reviewing it. For those of you who aren't really into gaming, Mass Effect 2 is a recently released sequel to the very popular Mass Effect game. It's a blend of a first- and third-person shooter, and an RPG (role-play game). I'll give more details in my review.

Event 2: Pat broke his foot and is confined to his couch for the next 6 weeks. As I'm his closest friend (in that I actually hang out with him), I've been at his house every day since he broke it. My job is to keep him from doing stupid things and to keep him company while his fantastic girlfriend is working. We've been spending our time playing Mass Effect 2, Little Big Planet, and watching such films as Tropic Thunder.

Next update: Pandorum.

Presents!

2010-01-26T13:09:00.000-08:00

My dear reader(s?), have I got the most fantastic present for you? Hell yes, I do. I have just returned home from the magical land of Blockbuster with many spoils of war. I have rented 4 fabulous films, which I will be reviewing forthwith. Said films are Whip It!, Surrogates, Nine (or 9, I suppose), and Pandorum (totally only rented it for Ben Foster. And because I just watched Ghost Ship).

Pandorum is now sitting in my DVD player, its menu music obnoxiously repeating itself, awaiting my signal to begin playing. That, however, is not the end of the good news. Yesterday, because I was downtown and it was goddamn freezing, I went to the mall. Seeing as I was there and all, I decided to venture into HMV. I said hi to Rob and we chatted a while, then I did what I do best and spent money. I purchased Lucky Number Slevin (I love, love, LOVE this movie!), Diary of the Dead (my favourite of the Dead), The Departed (which I have not seen), and The Last of the Mohicans (what? It was free). Those will also be under review after I have watched all of these (hopefully) fucking awesome movies.

Talk to you soon, dear reader(s?)! Or, I suppose, talk at you.

Watch and Blog

2010-01-19T16:45:00.001-08:00

Did anyone else watch Observe and Report? Yeah? Was anyone else incredibly disturbed by it? No? Just me?

Maybe I missed the humour, but that movie was seriously fucked up. I understand what's supposed to be funny about it. I don't understand how in the hell that wasn't one of the most disturbing movies ever.

No, it's not disturbing because of the five-minute-long scene of a fat, naked man running wild through the mall.

Though this is pretty fucked up.

I should probably explain myself here. Before watching Observe and Report, I read this article from Cracked.com that outlines several fan theories about different movies. The theory regarding Observe and Report postulates that everything after Ronnie, the protagonist, stops taking his medication takes place in his head.

At this point it would probably be helpful if I explained the plot for those who haven't seen the movie yet. The movie follows the head of mall security, Ronnie Barnhardt, through several big "cases" in the mall, such as the "mall flasher" pervert and the robbing of several stores in the mall. After the pervert flashes Brandi, a clerk at the makeup counter and girl of Ronnie's naïve dreams, the cops are called in to take over the case. Ronnie resents the interference and, in an attempt to show the detective running the investigation, he applies to join the police academy.

Unfortunately for Ronnie, he fails his psych exam after he stops taking his medication (he's bipolar) and his application is rejected. Ronnie takes rejection hard and lets Dennis, a fellow security guard, convince him that drugs and alcohol fix everything (which is ironic since Ronnie's mother is an alcoholic). During their drug binge, Dennis reveals that he's the thief that's been repeatedly robbing the mall. Dennis knocks Ronnie out when it becomes clear that Ronnie's not cool with that shit.

Ronnie subsequently loses his job, loses his shit, and tries to beat the shit out of a dozen cops as they attempt to remove him from the mall. When Ronnie re-enters the mall as a civilian to visit Nell, the chick who wasn't a total bitch/slut like Brandi, the mall pervert flashes him and Nell and he takes off after the naked flasher eventually shooting him before he has a chance to assault Brandi one last time. It should be noted that there was no evidence to suggest that the flasher was after Brandi, but early on, Ronnie fervently suggests that the flasher's true mission is to horribly murder her. The fact that the flasher runs straight for her in the end certainly lends credence to the "it's all in Ronnie's head" theory.

Without the "Ronnie's delusional" theory floating through your mind, the film could be considered funny (though really fucking depressing for a lot of it), if not incredibly awkward. When you watch it under the assumption that Ronnie's got a few screws and a fucking crowbar loose, it's a damn disturbing movie.

Maybe I'm thinking too much about a movie that's just supposed to provide a few laughs and show you Anna Faris' tits. Maybe it's the fact that even without thinking it's all in Ronnie's head, things get pretty damn fucked up. Whatever it is, the movie's a mindfuck, possibly on par with The Usual Suspects. It's got nothing on 2001: A Space Odyssey, though. Fucking HAL.

Also, holy shit. One picture for the whole post?

There, much better. Pictured: Seth Rogen in Observe and Report.

6 Cinema Patrons Who Must be Stopped

2010-01-14T16:33:00.001-08:00

If you've ever been to the movies, you've probably encountered one of these 6 cinema patrons. You have my sympathies. Like a law of physics, there is always at least one of the following annoying species of moviegoers at any showing. Yes, there will be lots of stereotyping in this post. It's more efficient that way.

"Sony"

1. Seat-Kickers
This is fairly self-explanatory, but for anyone who hasn't experienced the pleasure of sitting in front of one of these people, I'll expand. This breed of asshole is probably one of those jackasses who claim to have "restless leg syndrome" (a.k.a. "My inability to stop jiggling my fucking leg now has a fancy name and I can now be referred to as a 'sufferer'").

Alternate treatment: Remove head from anus.

If, during the course of a film, you feel a repeated banging on the back of your chair, disregard your first instinct. It's not a couple getting it on. It's a seat-kicker fulfilling his/her only purpose in life: ENRAGING OTHERS.

2. Loud Talkers
Yes, that is a phrase from Seinfeld. It's also the name of a particularly annoying type of cinema dipshit. Loud talkers are "people" who a) can't seem to shut the fuck up; and b) do that loudly. They are of the opinion that someone actually gives a shit about what they have to say, and that they would want to hear that opinion during a movie they paid $10 to see. To the loud talkers: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT, AND NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT. YOU'RE NOT CLEVER, SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY SAID IT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

This, but LOUDER.

3. Hecklers
As cousins to the loud talkers, hecklers have all the family traits: loud, obnoxious, unbelievably stupid, annoying as fuck. The difference between these two inbred dumbasses is simple: loud talkers are talking to their "friends"; hecklers are talking to everyone.

Have you ever been watching a really intense movie when all goes silent for the dramatic climax, and into the silence, some cocksucking bastard shouts out, "Are they gonna kiss?!", or something equally retarded? Congratulations. You have experienced the heckler. Hecklers shout random shit that they think will make their retarded friends laugh during the most important (and usually silent or quiet) parts of any film. They operate under the illusion that they're funny and that people like hearing their input. Note: we DON'T.

4. Text Addicts
These douchebags can be easily spotted in the darkness of the theatre by the bright screen of their cell phones. The text addict's story is a sad one: brain-damaged by contact with a small technological device, the addict is plagued with the inability to interact with human beings in any low-tech capacity, having to use a texting interface to express any and all supposed thoughts and emotions.

This means that the text addict is physically incapable of not constantly texting during any event, despite having spent money to be there.

5. Parents with Young Children
I'm not complaining about kids and their parents at kids' movies. I'm complaining about those fucking moronic parents who bring their fucking toddler to a movie that's been rated anything over PG. Children under 13 should not be in a PG-13 movie. Not because they can't handle seeing it (though a fucking baby in 28 Weeks Later? For fuck's sake, people.), but because they're really fucking annoying. Kids seriously need a mute button.

6. Children
Many moons ago, I was at the movies, and very excited waiting for 28 Weeks Later to start. To my dismay, two 12-(or so)-year-olds and a man came up the stairs and sat down beside Pat and I. Four minutes into the film, the man fell asleep (and snored), and the little bastards wouldn't shut the fuck up. They seemed to think that getting into an R-rated film made them so cool. I asked them politely to shut it. Ten minutes later their volume was back to 11. I asked again. And nothing happened, again.

That's when I brought in the muscle. As I'm 5'1" and fairly harmless-looking, my telling them to shut the fuck up hardly had any effect. Pat, on the other hand, is a tall, burly, bearded man. So I told him to tell them to shut up. That didn't work either. Mostly because Pat's too nice to tell a stranger to be quiet, so he told me to shut up. Either way, I hate children.

7. The End
This isn't another category, just the end of the post. God, I hate children.

Avatar: The Last Airb-- Oh, Shit

2009-12-30T19:37:00.001-08:00

On Tuesday night, my friend Kendra, her mother, sister, father, aunt and uncle, and I went to the movies. As you may have guessed, we went to see Avatar in 3D.

Not what you think.

Avatar is James Cameron's latest epic. Many of you probably remember Titanic (and I'm sorry), but I have to say, for ripping off Fern Gully, Avatar is pretty damn good. I warn you now, this post will contain many a spoiler. If you don't like people ruining movies for you, stop reading. And now a word from Avatar...

Stop thinking about this.

As many others have said before me, Avatar is same the basic idea as Fern Gully. I'll be going into more detail on this in a moment, but first, the thing that has been bugging me since the movie first started: Unobtanium? Are you fucking kidding me? A) Wicked foreshadowing there, Mr. Cameron; and B) I understand ripping off other movies can be a touch draining, but your last big picture was TITANIC. That ACTUALLY HAPPENED. How much creativity do you need for your job? I know not every director/producer writes their own films or comes up with their own story ideas, but at least try a little harder. Also, as an addendum to A, great job on the planet's title. Pandora. Clearly not going to be a happy place for anyone.

Oh! And C) I can never again go to a movie theatre. At least when crowded. Mass murder is usually frowned upon. However, I'll save my rant on theatre etiquette for the next entry.

As for the Unobtanium (or is it "Unobtainium"?), do not insert a plot point you don't intend to explain. Maybe I missed it, but in all their praising of the money-shitting mineral "Unobtanium", they never once mentioned what said mineral actually does. Is it like gold? Does it make gorgeous jewellery? Is it a miracle-cure for cancer? Does it babysit your kids while cooking you dinner and giving you the best orgasms of your life? Really, for $20 mil a kilo (was it per kilo?) you'd think they'd bother to explain the death rock's function. All of 8 people in the world would be able to comfortably afford it, and hundreds more would buy it just to own the bragging rights. Then again, what useless crap won't rich people buy? Tell them a cow uterus is worth over $10 mil and they'll line their shoes with it.

But enough about explanations and the lack thereof (because they never got into the scientific breakdown of Pandora's atmosphere and I want the numbers on that). On to comparing Avatar to Fern Gully, and vice versa.

1. The main female alien/fairy is destined to be the next spiritual leader for her tribe/clan.
In Fern Gully, Crysta, the fairy who discovers their human intruder (and shrunk him, but hold that thought), is training to become the next spiritual guide for her clan. She is being trained by Magi, the current she-shaman. In Avatar, Neytiri, the alien female protagonist, is also in line to take over Mo'at's position as Na'vi Pope.

What is, "The most annoying religious figure ever invented"?

2. The main female protagonist is the daughter of the alien/fairy clan leader.
Neytiri of the Omaticaya is the daughter of Eytucan, the clan's head honcho She falls in love with Captain Picard when the Enterprise crash lands on her home planet. Wait, disregard that. As daughter of both the clan leader and spiritual leader, Neytiri is pretty much in line for the throne. In Fern Gully, Crysta is the daughter of the fairy king (hello, Oberon), referred to almost exclusively as "Daddy" (no one over the age of 6 should refer to their father as "daddy" -- too many creepy fetishes).

3. The male protagonist falls in love with the female protagonist; heartbreak and love triangles ensue.
As future Pope, Neytiri is betrothed to Tsu'tey, next in line for the role of clan-king. Of course, when Jake Sully shows up in his shiny new Na'vi body, Neytiri is ordered to teach him the ways of the Omaticaya and they fall in love (aww).

I guess they couldn't carve that in a tree.

Somehow, even though his chick is stolen by another guy's hairy dick (if you haven't seen it yet, a) WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?; and b) you'll get it), Tsu'tey eventually accepts that he'll have to plough another field. The same goes for Pips in Fern Gully after Zak successfully deflowers (we can only assume) Crysta. Even if he didn't get to plant his seed, he did steal her heart. Once both Jake and Zak prove their worthiness/bravery/whatever, Tsu'tey and Pips forget their former (almost) lovers faster than a college co-ed on spring break.

4. The main character is originally spurned by the alien/fairy race, but is eventually accepted.
Though in Fern Gully, Zak only shrinks to the size of a fairy rather than becomes one, the similarities are obvious. Crysta teaches Zak the secrets of fairy life and shows him what it means to be a protector of the forest. Granted, it was Crysta's own fault that Zak shrunk to fairy size and became involved in the forest. In Avatar, Jake's physical appearance technically doesn't change at all; he simply uses an "Avatar", or surrogate body, to infiltrate the Omaticaya tribe. And he doesn't shrink. He gets bigger.

Every man's dream. Minus the blue balls.

At first, everyone hates and is suspicious of Jake. It takes him three months to learn the Omaticaya's ways and to become a true part of their clan. The only one really put off by Zak's appearance is Pips, who's in love with Crysta. With enough time and life lessons, Pips begrudgingly accepts Zak's presence.

5. Both Zak and Jake are shunned when it's revealed that they were originally working with the humans.
And by that point, both Zak and Jake had made the decision to renounce the humans' cause after falling in love with the forest.

Oh yeah, baby. Right there.

Of course, they're un-shunned when they prove that they're not out to ride some bulldozers. (Ooh! That's another similarity! BULLDOZERS!)

6. All of the forest is interconnected.
When Zak begins to carve Crysta's name into the side of an unsuspecting tree, she stops him as soon as she can. Not being connected to the rainforest, Zak asks what's up. Crysta explains that all life in the forest is connected and can feel the pain of the trees. Hint: Fern Gully is saying humans are detached from nature and thus don't bat an eye when we bulldoze the shit out of it. The same way the humans in Avatar are detached from the alien planet.

It's all about the hardware.

Essentially, the Na'vi and the fairies (oh, that's awesome! NAVI is a FAIRY. Zelda: Bettering the world since 1986.) are the guardians of the forest. Like what "man" was originally supposed to be if you follow Genesis (all that "stewards of the earth" crap).

7. Humans are the antagonists and are out to destroy the forest for financial gain.
Technically in Fern Gully, the antagonist would be Hexxus as well as the humans, though Parker Selfridge could be Avatar's (non-musical) Hexxus. He pulled the strings and was the hand behind the proverbial trigger. Selfridge was after Unobtanium, a naturally occurring mineral on Pandora worth millions of earth dollars, and he was prepared to wipe out any species that got in his way. Hexxus would gain nothing financially, but he was definitely interested in tearing apart the fairies. The humans he was using as fuel were in the forestry business, mutilating the plants for profit.

I could go on about other similarities between the two films, but I think I've pretty much covered it. I'm going to use my remaining time to outline the differences.

Unlike the Na'vi in Avatar, the fairies in Fern Gully did not have their own language. They also weren't from another planet being forcefully invaded by humans. They just lived in a secluded forest being forcefully invaded by humans.

Fern Gully was released in 1992 in 2D, whereas Avatar was released in 2009 in 3D (as well as 2D, I know). However, both films were animated.

Clearly my "differences" are mostly bullshit or completely obvious. I'll just leave this post here.

And in conclusion, James Cameron, your next film should be a re-imagined version of All Dogs Go to Heaven set on a big ship in a galaxy far, far away. In 3D.

If you've read all the way through and still haven't seen Avatar, GO SEE IT. In 3D. The extra $3 is worth it. Ooh, Alien 3! Wow, so much Sigourney Weaver in one week. Nice.

Who looks more worried? Let's find out!

Please Read This

2009-12-21T14:11:00.000-08:00

This post has nothing to do with movies, but it has to do with the tragic story of a young woman who needs our help.

On December 15, 2009, 27-year-old Amanda Buckland lost everything in a house fire: her husband, her 4-year-old son, and her 8-month-old daughter. She and her 12-year-old stepdaughter were the only survivors.

I first read about Amanda's story on Cake Wrecks, where Jen has linked to a PayPal donation page set up by Amanda's employer. You can read more about this tragedy at Kristie's Notes.

I know that this season is usually punctuated by a lack of expendable income, but if you can spare even one dollar, together we can all make a difference.

Amanda has lost everything: her family, her possessions, her home. This season is about goodwill to all mankind. Please help us offer goodwill to Amanda and her stepdaughter to help them rebuild some of what they have lost.

Inglourious Basterds in Glorious Film

2009-12-21T00:59:00.000-08:00

This evening, for the second time in two days, I watched Inglourious Basterds. I have to say, that is one fucking awesome movie.

It seems, like with any Tarantino film, people either hate it or love it. I love it. As for those who hate it, I keep hearing the same complaints: "It wasn't historically accurate!" (Did you even read the title of the film?), "It was unnecessarily violent!" (It's a WAR movie!), "It was just Pulp Fiction with Nazis!" (And why is that a bad thing?). I do have to admit, the film pretty much shits in history's face. But to be honest, I much prefer Tarantino's much more positive (ironically), and entirely fictional, recounting of World War II.

I could go on and on about the aspects of the film that made it a truly triumphant piece of cinema, or I could do what I always do and give you a rundown on what makes it worth watching.

So, here's the deal: I'm not going to number this. I'm just going to come out and say it: the accents were fucking HOT. The German accents? Naughty! The British accents? Erotic! The French accents? Sexy! Brad Pitt's accent? ORGASMIC! For anyone fond of linguistics and language, this is the film for you. It offers up several sexy speaking selections while still incorporating English.

Alright, I may have gotten slightly overenthusiastic about the accents (particularly Brad's), but many women are slaves to sexy accents. And I admit that I'm no different. The bassy (not a word, I know) quality of Gedeon Burkhard's (aka Wilhem Wicki's) voice was a huge turn-on in itself, but paired with that German accent? Good lord, I need a minute.

Burkhard's wasn't the only voice that sent me into conniptions. I've already mentioned Pitt (aka Aldo Raine, aka Aldo the Apache) so I won't go into detail there. What really got me with this film, though, was the deadly combination of deep, smooth, sexy voices and some of the sexiest accents in the world. Hell, even without the accents I would have been head-over-heels for Burkhard. That is one sexy, sexy voice. Same with Denis Menochet (aka Perrier LaPadite).

Man, this post is quickly devolving into a giant list of men I find sexy. And while that may be interesting to me, it's certainly not entertaining for anyone without a vagina.

Another reason I was drawn to Tarantino's latest epic was the casting of Til Schweiger as Hugo Stiglitz. That's probably not the name most people toss around when talking about fantastic casting, but for fans of SLC Punk!, Schweiger is plenty awesome. I'll save my gushing over SLC Punk! for another time, but suffice it to say, it's fucking epic.

If you've been reading this entry hoping for some revelation about the film's content or the messages it probably sends, you're expecting too much for 4:30 a.m. The lesson here is simply that women love accents. Take a girl you like to a movie with lots of sexy accents. You might just get lucky.

The Ultimate Feel-Good Film

2009-12-10T01:13:00.000-08:00

Nothing makes a very depressing evening worse than a forcefully cheery film. So throw in a feel-good movie and forget how emo you are!

Sixteen Candles is like a window into my soul.
P.S. This is now the official image of emo for this blog.

As for feel-good films, in order to find those truly inspiring, magically cheesy examples of smile-inducing perfection, you have to go back to the post-90s world of the year 2000. On May 12, 2000, a film was released into a world that was unprepared for such a musically emotional epic. That epic was called Center Stage (sorry, they were American). Center Stage is the story of Jodie Sawyer, an aspiring dancer whose dreams begin to fly after she is admitted to the American Ballet Academy.

Not like this.

And thus begins our adventure. I won't go too far into detail, but I will say this: EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH THIS MOVIE. Though the cast isn't exactly the Milky Way (read: not star-studded), the acting is fantastic. Although the true draw is the incredible dancing. Center Stage is like Save the Last Dance without as much emo bullshit and with a way better ending.

There have been many dance movies released within the last 30 years (ex// Saturday Night Fever, Footloose, Save the Last Dance, Step Up, Honey, Dirty Dancing, Flashdance, Fame), but very few have been classified as truly great inspirational films. That's because they didn't have the right formula. So what is the right formula?

Close, but no. Though this formula is integral
to the survival of the film industry.

So on to the blueprints! This is how you make a successful, feel-good, dance movie.

1. Actually focus on, and show, some dancing. Preferably for more than 5 minutes and more than just once.
2. Save the drama for your secondary characters. Don't focus on a major drama in the main character's life; this is a feel-good film. The main character's major drama should not be the movie's majorest drama.
3. Make the dancing the issue. Is the main character a great dancer being oppressed by The Man?

Wrong man.

Maybe the main character wants to dance, but something is holding him/her back (example, one too many twinkies -- Hairspray is a great example of breaking the anorexia scale)?
4. Have a love triangle. Nothing too over the top, just have two guys/girls interested in the main character. And make sure one is a total bitch.
5. The true key to a successful feel-good film is to have all interpersonal issues resolved by the end. The bitch learns a valuable lesson and joins the ranks of the Scooby Gang. The dick ex-boyfriend/girlfriend gets rejected but doesn't get shafted (kinky). The evil antagonist gets pretty much the same as the evil ex. And the plucky attitude of the principle rag-tag group of friends pays off. Everyone ends up happy. Feel-GOOD.

So what have we learned? Dance movies suck. With one exception.

5 Reasons Why "Rise, Blood Hunter" is AWESOME (And 5 Why It Sucks)

2009-12-01T02:25:00.001-08:00

This is just going to be a long list of everything awesome about the movie Rise, Blood Hunter. If you haven't seen this, you should. It is, in my opinion, the best movie in Lucy Liu's career.

This is why:
1. Lucy Liu makes out with another chick.
Yes, this sounds like any lame movie aimed at men, but seriously, Lucy Liu is HOT!

Now imagine them making out.

1.5. Lucy Liu gets NAKED.
A LOT.

This, but naked.

Need I say more? (Your answer to that should be no, but I will.)

2. She uses a fucking CROSSBOW!

(1 & 1.5 are both tit-related, so this one can be #2.) What is more badass than a chick who murders people with a motherfucking crossbow? One who does it riding a T-REX!

Jurassic Park 9: TITS. Coming to a theatre near you.

3. She's an assassin.
Really, in the list of things that make hot girls hotter, being able to kick your ass totally ranks high up. She starts out as a reporter, but like all movies with assassins, takes up the career for vengeance.

4. She's undead.
This movie has everything! Vampire-like creatures (no fangs), a smokin' hot protagonist, assassin(s?), nudity, weird and creepy sex, hookers. What more could you want? Other than a less sleazy, douchey antagonist, I guess. Oh, and less necrophilia. Yeah, there's that.

5. Watching Lucy Liu eye-fuck hitchhikers.
And then actually fuck them. Sure, it's like any other, non-hardcore-porn movie: no penetration (with dicks, anyway), but it sure is worth watching.

THIS.

And this is why you should not watch this movie:

1. The dialogue.
Normally, I can ignore occasionally shitty dialogue if the movie is absolutely wicked. This is not one of those "normal" situations. The dialogue in this film is, for the most part, not entirely horrid. However, there is one shining turd in the script that I can never ignore, no matter how hard I try. In the scene where we see Lucy's murder for the first time, Eve (Carla Gugino) whispers the gem "Sex and murder are the only real pleasures left to man." Not three scenes later, I SHIT YOU NOT, Bishop (the other murderer and the scumbag antagonist) DIRECTLY QUOTES HER, and ACKNOWLEDGES THAT HE IS DIRECTLY QUOTING HER.

Bishop: A friend once told me that "sex and murder are the only real pleasures left to man".
WHAT THE FUCK, YOU SLEAZY MOTHERFUCKER?

Pictured: Sleazy motherfucker

Which brings me to...
2. Bishop (THAT LIMEY BASTARD).

I seriously hate this guy. I want to punch his goddamn face in. He is a slimy douche and needs to be forcefully reinserted into whatever vagina spat him out. Though he'd probably love that. He's hideous, he thinks he's sexy when he's a fugly cunt, he has an annoyingly condescending accent, and acts like the sun shines out his raunchy asshole. I could go on, but I'm SO PISSED OFF!

3. Nick Lachey is in it.
I wish to god I was joking. I wish to fucking Christ.

THAT SLIMY CUNT. And yes, that really does say Marilyn Manson.
I'm sorry.

The only upside to that tragedy is that his part is small and largely unnecessary. He's easily forgotten and (as usual) makes a complete ass of himself. The pathetic attempts at slapstick comedy are more painful than the actual assassinations would be.

THIS is better than Nick Lachey.

4. Tricia.

Tricia is another victim of Bishop's supposed "sexual prowess". She's also the wet dream of any (straight) guy who's ever shopped at Hot Topic.

"Her angsty exterior causes my cold, dead heart to pump
tears of blood to the crotch of my unbelievably tight jeans."

And of course, she is the crux of the emotional diarrhoea splattered along the bathroom walls of this film. That wouldn't be so bad if the emotional aspect wasn't already completely covered by Ms. Liu. Fucking Tricia.

5. I got nothin'.
I've got another 30 reasons to watch this wicked film, but I can only think of 4 reasons to avoid it like guys who shop at Hot Topic. And I just finished watching it again.
In conclusion, GO RENT IT NOW! IT'S AWESOME!

Medium or Large?

2009-12-01T00:36:00.000-08:00

Hello there. To all those who don't know me, congrats! I'm not famous. But I am bored and I own over 250 movies (on DVD alone). So welcome to my mental dumpster: Couch It!

This is really just a quick intro, so I won't bore you. Besides, I already wrote the next entry which I plan to post as soon as I hit 'publish' on this one. Look forward to (probably sporadic) future articles about movies and how much they suck/rock.

The True Horror of Rosemary's Baby

2009-11-30T23:28:00.000-08:00

If you’ve never seen Rosemary’s Baby before, you’ve probably also never watched Gilmore Girls or anything else worth watching. For those of you who have seen this horror gem of the 1960s, this list will run down the 5 (unintentionally) creepiest aspects of the film.

Also, this article will be loaded with spoilers, because this movie came out in motherfucking 1968, so if you haven’t seen it, I’m going to assume you never will. Which is blasphemy. Go out and rent it, goddamn it!

1. The Neighbours

Nothing is more terrifying than social interaction, but in the 60s it was all the more nerve-wracking. There was a 50% chance of seeing unkempt bush (you know, free love?), and a 50% chance of ending up with drugs in your system (the drugs weren’t so free). (There was also a 50% chance of unbelievably racist comments – hippies can’t do math worth shit.)

Rosemary’s Baby involves social interaction, in the 60s, and with their neighbours. Seriously, neighbours? They’re the assholes of every story. I don’t care how nice Ned Flanders seems; if he were real, he’d be a motherfucking pedophile. Maybe I’m just biased against neighbours due to the dicks who live next to/across from us, but in movies, the neighbours are either a) incredibly benign when the protagonist needs help the most; b) incredibly violent; c) complete assholes; or d) overbearing replacements for the parents you moved out to get the fuck away from.

The neighbours in Rosemary’s Baby are a delightful combination of A, C, and D. And a little of B if you want to get really technical. They knock her the fuck out with the date rape drug (in a fucking dessert), they “rehabillitate” a former druggie who then throws herself out the window and partially crushes a VW Bug, they give her the necklace from around the neck of said druggie, and that’s not even the half of it (I won’t ruin EVERYTHING in case someone actually decides to bother watching this fantastic terror).

As if all of this isn’t enough, they basically run her entire life, with the consent of her asshole hubby, “Guy” (NEVER, NEVER trust a man named Guy! HE WILL RAPE YOU AND KILL YOU! Not necessarily in that order). They’re like the stereotypical Jewish mother in every show with Jewish characters: they fuck your shit up and then insist on wiping your sorry ass. With a fucking razor blade.

In the animal kingdom, these neighbours would be tapeworms, sucking the life out of you from deep in your bowels.

This, but inside your intestines, sucking the nutrients
from your body while you writhe in pain.

2. The Sex

If you’ve had sex, you will recognize how unbelievably, painfully awkward every single sex scene in this movie is. No one’s denying that (despite needing a whole all-you-can-eat buffet), Minnie Driver’s got a bangin’ bod. But watching her in a 1960s sex scene is like watching Lance Bass in a 2009 sex scene: these days, no one wants to see that shit.

I’m sure that when Rosemary’s Baby came out, people were shocked to see Minnie’s minis (seriously, she’s like half an A-cup), but I’m sure most of the shock stemmed from the boner-shrinking “sex” scenes.

The first sex scene, about 15 minutes in, is a “celebration” of Rosemary and Guy getting a fancy, new place. It reads more like two 17-year-old virgins “getting it on” to some really shitty music (I am watching Rosemary’s Baby right now and that music is creepy as fuck). This is how the scene plays out: Rosemary and Guy are sitting on the floor of their new apartment (furniture yet to come) eating dinner, when Rosemary turns to Guy and says, “Let’s make love.”, sans any seduction. She may as well have said, “Let’s watch TV.” With no verbal assent, Guy starts stripping (again, not seductively – as if that were possible for him) while still sitting cross-legged on the floor. Rosemary stays in the exact same position, 5 feet away, and starts tearing off (read: carefully removing) her own clothes. Then they bone. And Rosemary looks completely unimpressed. Not an unusual look for a woman mid-coitus, though her face paired with that stunning foreplay? Fucking TERRIFYING.

The second (and only other) sex scene takes place about 40-45 minutes in, right after their neighbours (told you they’re more fucked up than a Japanese bukkake-hooker!) hand delivered some delicious chocolate mousse, a la GHB. Granted, it takes place in a dream, but considering you find out when she wakes up that her husband raped her while she was passed out, “dream” might be a misleading term. The really disturbing part of this sex scene isn’t even the fact that while he’s raping her she’s seeing Satan. No, it’s the fact that when she wakes up and notices all the scratches all over her body (from his fingernails?), he seems almost fucking proud of his “accomplishment”. Any frat douchebag with a beer and a drug connection can date rape a drunk slut. Well, Rosemary isn’t a slut, but her husband did give her wine and cocktails. She weighs about 40 pounds, so really, any amount of alcohol is enough to get her good and hammered.

On the whole, sex with Satan and boning a hardwood floor are not considered “sexy” options. Unless it’s witch on vampire porn (now THAT’S sexy!).

3. The Husband

I probably could have lumped The Sex in with The Husband, but this guy takes the creeper cake.

Oh my god, consider myself creeped!
Seriously, has Cake Wrecks seen this?!

Let’s list the terrifying ways this husband freaks the shit out of me:

1. His face: This guy (Guy, ha!) looks like Humphrey Bogart would if he were a pedophile from the 50s, complete with awful turtlenecks and misogynistic attitude.

2. His name: I’ve said this once already, but I have to reiterate: DO NOT TRUST A MAN NAMED GUY. They are all pedophiles, sadists, or creepy WoW addicts that never shower and weigh 600 pounds. (To any real guys named Guy that I may or may not know: no, you're not creepy. And yes, I know you're not addicted to WoW. This is just an internet article. For fun! [insert emoticon])

3. He’s Satan: I probably should have led with that, eh? Now, people who’ve seen this movie will probably shout “FAKE!” (or whatever it is people shout on the internet when artices make mistakes), so I should probably explain. Her husband isn’t really Satan, but he did let Satan bone Rosemary to impregnate her with (Oh my god!) Rosemary’s Baby. So it’s basically the same.

4. He’s okay with rape!: So he didn’t actually rape his own wife, but he was totally cool with letting his neighbours drug the fuck out of her and then open her legs to the Devil. Most guys only go the date-rape route to get their own dicks wet.

5. Every single thing about the guy (I’m sorry, it's his name!) that I haven’t already listed: He is the real antagonist in this movie. Fuck Sapirstein, fuck the Cassavetes, and fuck “The Coven”. Guy’s the motherfucker (ha!) that sold his wife’s uterus to the Dark Lord.

Not that one.

4. The Last Unicorn

Wait, what the fuck? What does this:

SCARIEST. ANIMATION. EVER.

Have to do with this:

Other than nakedness.
(Fuck, does Driver drop trou in every movie she's in?
'Cause that's kind of awesome...)

Well, for those of you out there who’ve seen The Last Unicorn, I am praying for your immortal souls. That movie was the basis for all of my nightmares, ages 5 through 14 (there may have been a Wizard of Oz stint in there around age 7). Maybe I’m a masochist since I now own it on DVD, but that movie still scares the fuck out of me. And yet I watch it.

Back to the point. How are Rosemary’s Baby and The Last Unicorn related? Minnie Driver. Now that bitch has a creepy-ass voice. And yet she still managed to make boring-ass music. Nothing haunts me more during these films than the voice of Ms. Driver coming through the speakers (okay, that’s a lie – that uber-boobed, pink tree in The Last Unicorn still manages to give me nightmares if I watch that shit alone).

As with any horror movie, the truly horrific aspects of the film are never the scenes intended to make you shit your pants.

This is what my nightmares look like.