Thursday, January 14, 2010

6 Cinema Patrons Who Must be Stopped

If you've ever been to the movies, you've probably encountered one of these 6 cinema patrons. You have my sympathies. Like a law of physics, there is always at least one of the following annoying species of moviegoers at any showing. Yes, there will be lots of stereotyping in this post. It's more efficient that way.

1. Seat-Kickers
This is fairly self-explanatory, but for anyone who hasn't experienced the pleasure of sitting in front of one of these people, I'll expand. This breed of asshole is probably one of those jackasses who claim to have "restless leg syndrome" (a.k.a. "My inability to stop jiggling my fucking leg now has a fancy name and I can now be referred to as a 'sufferer'").
Alternate treatment: Remove head from anus.

If, during the course of a film, you feel a repeated banging on the back of your chair, disregard your first instinct. It's not a couple getting it on. It's a seat-kicker fulfilling his/her only purpose in life: ENRAGING OTHERS.

2. Loud Talkers
Yes, that is a phrase from Seinfeld. It's also the name of a particularly annoying type of cinema dipshit. Loud talkers are "people" who a) can't seem to shut the fuck up; and b) do that loudly. They are of the opinion that someone actually gives a shit about what they have to say, and that they would want to hear that opinion during a movie they paid $10 to see. To the loud talkers: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT, AND NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT. YOU'RE NOT CLEVER, SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY SAID IT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

This, but LOUDER.

3. Hecklers
As cousins to the loud talkers, hecklers have all the family traits: loud, obnoxious, unbelievably stupid, annoying as fuck. The difference between these two inbred dumbasses is simple: loud talkers are talking to their "friends"; hecklers are talking to everyone.

Have you ever been watching a really intense movie when all goes silent for the dramatic climax, and into the silence, some cocksucking bastard shouts out, "Are they gonna kiss?!", or something equally retarded? Congratulations. You have experienced the heckler. Hecklers shout random shit that they think will make their retarded friends laugh during the most important (and usually silent or quiet) parts of any film. They operate under the illusion that they're funny and that people like hearing their input. Note: we DON'T.

4. Text Addicts
These douchebags can be easily spotted in the darkness of the theatre by the bright screen of their cell phones. The text addict's story is a sad one: brain-damaged by contact with a small technological device, the addict is plagued with the inability to interact with human beings in any low-tech capacity, having to use a texting interface to express any and all supposed thoughts and emotions.

This means that the text addict is physically incapable of not constantly texting during any event, despite having spent money to be there.

5. Parents with Young Children
I'm not complaining about kids and their parents at kids' movies. I'm complaining about those fucking moronic parents who bring their fucking toddler to a movie that's been rated anything over PG. Children under 13 should not be in a PG-13 movie. Not because they can't handle seeing it (though a fucking baby in 28 Weeks Later? For fuck's sake, people.), but because they're really fucking annoying. Kids seriously need a mute button.

6. Children
Many moons ago, I was at the movies, and very excited waiting for 28 Weeks Later to start. To my dismay, two 12-(or so)-year-olds and a man came up the stairs and sat down beside Pat and I. Four minutes into the film, the man fell asleep (and snored), and the little bastards wouldn't shut the fuck up. They seemed to think that getting into an R-rated film made them so cool. I asked them politely to shut it. Ten minutes later their volume was back to 11. I asked again. And nothing happened, again.

That's when I brought in the muscle. As I'm 5'1" and fairly harmless-looking, my telling them to shut the fuck up hardly had any effect. Pat, on the other hand, is a tall, burly, bearded man. So I told him to tell them to shut up. That didn't work either. Mostly because Pat's too nice to tell a stranger to be quiet, so he told me to shut up. Either way, I hate children.

7. The End
This isn't another category, just the end of the post. God, I hate children.

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